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Tuesday, May 18, 2004 · posted at 2:11 AM

I had such high hopes for this blog. But the more time passed, the more stagnant it got and now it’s unable to replicate the hysteria of that day. Still, these observations must be shared... even if badly.

Newport Harbor Productions, how may I help you? On Saturday I had the opportunity to see entertainment history being made – I was present for Day 3 of auditions for “The Conrad Boys.” Perhaps you haven’t heard of this film. Not everyone can be in “the know,” or as in my case, best friends with the friend of the writer/director/producer/lead actor.

Auditions took place at the TU Studios in NoHo (North Hollywood). TU Studies is located near a crazy intersection in LA (where dreams are made and subsequently crushed) in a building adjacent to Odyssey Videos, home of the largest selection in the world… the variety you take home in a black plastic bag.

And here is what that day inspired.
_______________

FADE IN:

INT. TU STUDIOS – DAY

CAMERA PANS over the décor. Yellow and salmon paint cover the room. It is reminiscent of a Frank from Trading Spaces creation, or the backdrop of a Herff Jones photograph. Flies circle around the entrance, trapped, despite the in-window fan/ventilation unit, by the non-circulating air. ZOOM IN on the orange construction cones in the corner. This is a work in progress. CLOSE UP of the 3x3 bathroom in the corner. PAN to the open bathroom window, above the toilet and overlooking the parking lot, that is responsible for the oblivious flasher. FOCUS on the poster above the sink. Comedy of Errors.

FADE OUT.
_______________

Foray into the world of child actors.

Have 4 semi-cute kids? Get them ALL into acting!

Asian and too cheap to get an agent for your kids? Create your own headshots by taping 4x6 photographs of your vacation to Vietnam and your child’s most recent martial arts ceremony to a piece of paper and claiming it’s movie stills.

Recipe for the deprived child actor

Concealer stick (Maybelline, but functioning as unisex) to cover unsightly blemishes and scars

Cutesy name like Ginger or Bridget

Act 20 years older than physical age.

Robotic voice defining geographic locales – “Eurasia is Europe and Asia”

Overzealous mother who can discuss agents, auditions, and on-set schooling better than Little League Stats

Solemn demeanor (as though dog Skip has just died) when discussing lost Kellogg’s commercial

Those kids were way too happy about the water.
_______________

Inside the actor’s studio. Acting is a tough, tough gig. Karen and I sifted through at least 30 headshots of Hollywood hopefuls.

Karen: Wow, so many actors out there, all in things nobody has heard of.

There’s something admirable about the way these people chase after the dream. Then I think you must be a masochist to drive across three counties to audition in a small studio with yellow and salmon walls and flies clustering in the doorway. I just imagine the veteran actor pulling up to that little hole in the wall behind the monstrous adult video store... all that training, all that work, all his struggles culminating in this, an audition for a family-financed movie (cue Kelly Clarkson song, “A Moment Like This”).

I’ve seen things on resumes that no one should be subjected to, like the lead role in “My House, Christ’s Home,” guest star on “Power Rangers”, recurring voiceover in Cerritos Auto Square commercials, and Wood Carver in the Brother Bear show at the Disney Resort. What is it that motivates these people to endure such things?
_______________

Actors not only play characters... they ARE characters.

An extremely outgoing 40 something woman waltzes through the door. She asks is, “Is there a bathroom here? I refuse to leave wearing this monkey suit.” She’s wearing a business suit. Sea green. She’s also carrying a duffel bag. She places the duffel bag on the couch and begins opening it. Slowly, a human head appears. Styrofoam. A wig stand for the strands of shiny brown hair. The wig is for her landlord look, she explains. The “monkey suit” is for her audition for the role of the lawyer. She pulls what looks like a black pantyhose over her head in an attempt to tie back her natural hair. She removes the wig from the Styrofoam head, stabbing the wig pins back into the jugular. The transformation is complete and she marches back into the audition room to show the casting director “her Evelyn.”

If not for her A-list star story, I would have dismissed her altogether. It’s amazing what a good story will do for one’s disposition.

Fun Fact about Benicio del Toro. He is horrible at auditions and to the dismay of his directors, likes to give his characters quirks. "Traffic," his Oscar-winning performance, was him just being himself.
_______________

There is a formula to being an actor.

In fact, I think I can run statistical analyses on all the resumes I read. Most significant is that you must have the following:

Theatre work in A Midsummer’s Night Dream

Experience with the LA improvisational group Groundlings

Ability to drive a manual transmission

Firearm skills including but not limited to sharpshooting, 9mm, rifles, revolvers

_______________

Paris isn’t the only one.

As seen from the Power Rangers gig, as an actor you must take what you can get – student films, cereal commercials, anything to increase your experience in front of the camera. The goods news is that there are so many movies, productions, etc. that it’s a pure quantity game, not quality. Unfortunately, sometimes the title can give away exactly what section of the video store your film resides in – namely the curtained-off, you must be 18 or older, not available at your neighborhood Hollywood Video section. Here’s a list of film credits that may actually be skin flicks:

Sex, Chocolate and Zombie Republicans

Hollywood Fantasies

Kisses and Carom (should I feel stupid for not knowing what a "carom" is?)

Mad, Bad, Dangerous to Know

Tweekerville

Banana Moon

Screw That

She Stoops to Conquer

Blow-Pop

Bangin’ Josh’s Wife

_______________

See me twirl. On regular resumes, you spend hours thinking of ways to glorify your “Additional Skills” at the bottom. “Answering phones” becomes “Excellent interpersonal communication” and “Filing” becomes “Advanced knowledge and adherence of Dewey Decimal Classification System.” The joy of acting resumes is that for the “Special Skills” section you can pretty much list any and every hobby you have ever had. Here is a partial list of the most amusing “skills” these actors had:

bowling
double jointed
fire spinning
rave dancing
disco dancing
obon dancing
magic (the game or the activity, I don’t know)
spinning
trampoline
jump rope
pole vault
weight training
darts
croquet
helicopter jumping
teleprompter
CPR certified
certified limo driver
bongos
congos
didgeridoo (the horn made infamous by Survivor)
mime
puppeteer
pas de deux work
clown mask work
rapping
beat boxing
clicking tongue
wiggle eyebrows
welding
Zoolander face
balloon sculpting
identical twin (the better looking half)

_______________

And since I’m on a list-craze right now… here are the final observations from my Hollywood escapade.

There is a wide variety of people who frequent adult video stores, must of them exhibiting auto-fail traits:

Ponytails
Multiple men in a convertible
Scrawny guy in wifebeater
Pick-up trucks blasting hard rock
Denim shirt, tucked in
Purple shirt (possibly Lakers) with shorts (short pants) and brown hiking boots.
Cross-hatch sandals
Mandals

_______________

Shooting starts at the end of June. To be continued...



	Tuesday, May 18, 2004 · posted at 2:11 AM I had such high hopes for this blog. But the more time passed, the more stagnant it got and now it’s unable to replicate the hysteria of that day. Still, these observations must be shared... even if badly. Newport Harbor Productions, how may I help you? On Saturday I had the opportunity to see entertainment history being made – I was present for Day 3 of auditions for “The Conrad Boys.” Perhaps you haven’t heard of this film. Not everyone can be in “the know,” or as in my case, best friends with the friend of the writer/director/producer/lead actor. Auditions took place at the TU Studios in NoHo (North Hollywood). TU Studies is located near a crazy intersection in LA (where dreams are made and subsequently crushed) in a building adjacent to Odyssey Videos, home of the largest selection in the world… the variety you take home in a black plastic bag. And here is what that day inspired. _______________ FADE IN: INT. TU STUDIOS – DAY CAMERA PANS over the décor. Yellow and salmon paint cover the room. It is reminiscent of a Frank from Trading Spaces creation, or the backdrop of a Herff Jones photograph. Flies circle around the entrance, trapped, despite the in-window fan/ventilation unit, by the non-circulating air. ZOOM IN on the orange construction cones in the corner. This is a work in progress. CLOSE UP of the 3x3 bathroom in the corner. PAN to the open bathroom window, above the toilet and overlooking the parking lot, that is responsible for the oblivious flasher. FOCUS on the poster above the sink. Comedy of Errors. FADE OUT. _______________ Foray into the world of child actors. Have 4 semi-cute kids? Get them ALL into acting! Asian and too cheap to get an agent for your kids? Create your own headshots by taping 4x6 photographs of your vacation to Vietnam and your child’s most recent martial arts ceremony to a piece of paper and claiming it’s movie stills. Recipe for the deprived child actor Concealer stick (Maybelline, but functioning as unisex) to cover unsightly blemishes and scars Cutesy name like Ginger or Bridget Act 20 years older than physical age. Robotic voice defining geographic locales – “Eurasia is Europe and Asia” Overzealous mother who can discuss agents, auditions, and on-set schooling better than Little League Stats Solemn demeanor (as though dog Skip has just died) when discussing lost Kellogg’s commercial Those kids were way too happy about the water. _______________ Inside the actor’s studio. Acting is a tough, tough gig. Karen and I sifted through at least 30 headshots of Hollywood hopefuls. Karen: Wow, so many actors out there, all in things nobody has heard of. There’s something admirable about the way these people chase after the dream. Then I think you must be a masochist to drive across three counties to audition in a small studio with yellow and salmon walls and flies clustering in the doorway. I just imagine the veteran actor pulling up to that little hole in the wall behind the monstrous adult video store... all that training, all that work, all his struggles culminating in this, an audition for a family-financed movie (cue Kelly Clarkson song, “A Moment Like This”). I’ve seen things on resumes that no one should be subjected to, like the lead role in “My House, Christ’s Home,” guest star on “Power Rangers”, recurring voiceover in Cerritos Auto Square commercials, and Wood Carver in the Brother Bear show at the Disney Resort. What is it that motivates these people to endure such things? _______________ Actors not only play characters... they ARE characters. An extremely outgoing 40 something woman waltzes through the door. She asks is, “Is there a bathroom here? I refuse to leave wearing this monkey suit.” She’s wearing a business suit. Sea green. She’s also carrying a duffel bag. She places the duffel bag on the couch and begins opening it. Slowly, a human head appears. Styrofoam. A wig stand for the strands of shiny brown hair. The wig is for her landlord look, she explains. The “monkey suit” is for her audition for the role of the lawyer. She pulls what looks like a black pantyhose over her head in an attempt to tie back her natural hair. She removes the wig from the Styrofoam head, stabbing the wig pins back into the jugular. The transformation is complete and she marches back into the audition room to show the casting director “her Evelyn.” If not for her A-list star story, I would have dismissed her altogether. It’s amazing what a good story will do for one’s disposition. Fun Fact about Benicio del Toro. He is horrible at auditions and to the dismay of his directors, likes to give his characters quirks. "Traffic," his Oscar-winning performance, was him just being himself. _______________ There is a formula to being an actor. In fact, I think I can run statistical analyses on all the resumes I read. Most significant is that you must have the following: Theatre work in A Midsummer’s Night Dream Experience with the LA improvisational group Groundlings Ability to drive a manual transmission Firearm skills including but not limited to sharpshooting, 9mm, rifles, revolvers _______________ Paris isn’t the only one. As seen from the Power Rangers gig, as an actor you must take what you can get – student films, cereal commercials, anything to increase your experience in front of the camera. The goods news is that there are so many movies, productions, etc. that it’s a pure quantity game, not quality. Unfortunately, sometimes the title can give away exactly what section of the video store your film resides in – namely the curtained-off, you must be 18 or older, not available at your neighborhood Hollywood Video section. Here’s a list of film credits that may actually be skin flicks: Sex, Chocolate and Zombie Republicans Hollywood Fantasies Kisses and Carom (should I feel stupid for not knowing what a "carom" is?) Mad, Bad, Dangerous to Know Tweekerville Banana Moon Screw That She Stoops to Conquer Blow-Pop Bangin’ Josh’s Wife _______________ See me twirl. On regular resumes, you spend hours thinking of ways to glorify your “Additional Skills” at the bottom. “Answering phones” becomes “Excellent interpersonal communication” and “Filing” becomes “Advanced knowledge and adherence of Dewey Decimal Classification System.” The joy of acting resumes is that for the “Special Skills” section you can pretty much list any and every hobby you have ever had. Here is a partial list of the most amusing “skills” these actors had: bowling double jointed fire spinning rave dancing disco dancing obon dancing magic (the game or the activity, I don’t know) spinning trampoline jump rope pole vault weight training darts croquet helicopter jumping teleprompter CPR certified certified limo driver bongos congos didgeridoo (the horn made infamous by Survivor) mime puppeteer pas de deux work clown mask work rapping beat boxing clicking tongue wiggle eyebrows welding Zoolander face balloon sculpting identical twin (the better looking half) _______________ And since I’m on a list-craze right now… here are the final observations from my Hollywood escapade. There is a wide variety of people who frequent adult video stores, must of them exhibiting auto-fail traits: Ponytails Multiple men in a convertible Scrawny guy in wifebeater Pick-up trucks blasting hard rock Denim shirt, tucked in Purple shirt (possibly Lakers) with shorts (short pants) and brown hiking boots. Cross-hatch sandals Mandals _______________ Shooting starts at the end of June. To be continued...	Recent Posts Syd Hoff, the creator of classics like Danny the D... Warning: The following blog is extremely me, me, m... "Please tell me that sound was a rip in the space-... On my search through our Measures drawer for the B... In your dorm you meet many nice people. Some are ... Aqua creatures. It’s amazing how kids have no conc... Canonical. I had plans to blog at work. I wrote ... A blogger was featured on the front cover of a loc... The next generation of Ortho Tri-cyclen. My job c... I want a cat. And then I want to paint it. 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