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Thursday, August 17, 2006 · posted at 7:56 AM

Gullible's Travels. As Christian Finnegan once said (paraphrased) about traveling with loved ones, "let's take a stressful situation and make it even more stressful." Traveling, even when on a cushy far-from-roughing-it tour can be stressful. There's the necessity of punctuality for a minute-by-minute schedule coupled with an inescapable close proximity. This is inevitably a recipe for bad decisions and faux pas.

And it starts, not even 10 minutes after we've landed. We're standing outside waiting for the express bus to take us from the airport to the hotel. It's probably about 80 degrees out (at 10pm), but the heat is made worse by the fact that we're standing in the lower level of the airport, meaning the hot air from the exhaust is trapped by the ceiling, leaving any inhabitants to fester in the steam.

Then we arrive at the hotel and check in. Another family from LA is also checking in and asks if we're on the same tour. They then tell us they're from Temple City and ask if we know where it is - at which point my dad has already turned his good ear and leaves the question hanging. With my remedial Mandarin I manage to say women zhidao (we know) but can't muster anything more substantial. Wan an (good night)? Strike 1 for us asocialites (not to be confused with A-list socialites).

The next morning we discover that on those shady tours, see, view and visit are three entirely different verbs. First stop, and literally, only a stop was Taiwan 101 - the tallest building in the world with, you guessed it, 101 floors. Shaped like a lotus flower, with 8 delineated sections (because 8, ba sounds like prosper, fa), with a beautiful green color, the Taiwan 101 is quite a sight. And that's what it was for us, a mere sight from a distance. What a gyp! Of course, the tour guide said, we could always come back later (translation: on our own time and dime) and visit the observation deck. This "come back later" sentiment will become a common theme throughout the entire tour. Sure I could come back at another time, but by the time that happens, it'll no longer be the tallest building, replaced by the Freedom Tower and then Jaipur Building! And with only 10 minutes to run around and take pictures, there was no time to plot how to hold the Taiwan 101 in your hand, lean against it, or manufacture other cheesy tourist photographs.

Now onto the foibles...

The squat toilet. Now when you use them, what direction do you face? For number 2 it seems obvious - get it as close to the hole as possible. But number 1? You figure males use urinals facing the stall (for more obvious reasons)... but what of the female? A guidebook for any country might tell you the rule of thumb is always "do as the locals do"... but do I really want to peek under (or over) the stall door? Future problems are avoided by holding it to the point of kidney infection until a Western toilet, with toilet paper, can be found. Similar to Mexico, toilet paper is often not provided gratis and if used, encouraged to be thrown in the trash can, not the water. Dissimilar to Mexico, it is not purchased from bathroom attendants lurking outside, but from coin vending machines.

The awkward exchange with the relatives. My mom, finally coming to her senses, realizes we have far too much stuff and calls a nearby relative to come haul away some goods (if you can call a suitcase of Barbies that). Do you hug or not hug family members you haven't seen in 15 years? I'm in my pajamas and not wearing a bra! And what if you're not sure one of them is even a blood family member because you (and your siblings) swear they remember this particular uncle getting divorced and your aunt definitely didn't look like this... And then it's time for the "my children are better than yours" but framed with "my children are so terrible" language. Example: "Jobs are so hard to find. My eldest daughter only has an hourly wage job even though she has a Masters." Zing.

Pai Pai. Is there a Chinese Culture for Dummies book? All of a sudden I'm getting sticks of incense shoved in my hands. "What do I do with this?" "Pai pai." Is my mom's response as she looks at me with a "what's wrong with you" look. Okay, that's helpful. Maybe I should have been in closer earshot when she offered a better explanation to the white New Zealanders. By the way, so not zen to be thrown into this situation. You're supposed to be meditating and opening your mind and all I can think is "Sh**. What am I supposed to be doing? Am I bowing low enough? Too many times? Too little times? What am I supposed to pray for? Do I even pray? What am I supposed to think about. Oh sh**. F*** I just cursed in the temple. Damnit I did it again. Can these golden buddhas hear all of this?" So much for enlightenment.

The garden of buddhas. Would it be sacrilege to make a music video out of them? If you're happy and you know it clap your hands... All I could think was, "This would make a great Amazing Race challenge - 'Find the Buddha that is doing the hokey pokey.'" But then I could imagine the over-enthusiastic pairs (in slow mo) running through the garden, leaping over buddhas, breaking off arms, etc and that's probably not good for karma.

Hey Macarena
Rock, paper, scissors
Check out the rack on that tourist!

Jinx. At the Buddhist temple there are wishing fountains. You throw a coin at a bell and the more sounds it makes, the better your luck.... I threw a coin at the bell. It came right back at me. Does that mean my wish was rejected? I tried again but undershot it. Good thing my mom already paid for good wishes for the family.

In addition, I burned my arm on an incense stick. And what does it mean when you buy a pack of them, pai pai at the different shrines and end up with 3 sticks leftover? Some fortune god is brewing a grudge and I probably ended up giving the extra sticks to a fertility god. Whee.

To top it all off, we watched a DVD of my grandfather's funeral. Halfway through, my uncle started fast-forwarding! That's gotta brew some bad spirits there...

So you see, the thing about vacations is that you always need another one just to recuperate from the previous.