Sunday, February 06, 2005 · posted at 2:57 AM
Anything you can do I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No you can't. Yes I can. No you can't!

Last week on MTV's Battle of the Sexes 2, the guys took home the $180,000 prize. First season of Battle of the Sexes found the men taking home cash and a new car. Can you predict a trend by two points of the puzzle? Will the victor of a physical task always be the one with a Y chromosome? Are men "better" than women?

Before, when I was younger, more naive and unreasonably idealistic, I would have shouted a resounding NO! I would have argued until I was blue in the face that girls and guys are equal, that a girl can do everything a guy can do (including peeing standing up) and then some (giving birth). Before, that is, me and my 5-foot roommate tried to drag a queen size mattress set home from Costco.

I spent most of the day helping my roommate move. Not sure how this transpired, first because she was probably one of the best roommates I ever had and I didn't want her to move out, and second because nobody likes to move - this is the reason people stay living at their craphole apartments and with obnoxious people for way too long.

Moving her stuff was actually not horrible. She had the good sense to pack multiple small, light boxes rather than a few large "holds everything but the kitchen sink and weighs twice that" boxes and we had a huge truck adorned with animal print to hold it all.

The bed on the other hand was an entirely different story.

I love Costco. Not in the "I would marry it if it took on human form" the way I love Target, but it's a formidable love. Like many things I love, it has a tendency to get me in trouble. Seldom do I leave Costco without a $100 debt in hand or without a 5 gallon jar of peanut butter when I only needed 8oz. Today's Achilles heel? A Sealy Posturepedic Fenway Queen Mattress Set regularly priced at a steal of $529.99 plus a $100 off coupon.

How could one resist?

So defying fatigue, logic, and spatial perception, we got the mattress set and attempted to jam it into the animal-print truck plus camper shell.

Truck width: 57"
Mattress width: 60"

F***. We should have realized it was a losing battle right then and there.

Five minutes into alternate pushing/shoving and looking forlorn, two guys came over to help us. I think they had to, being in danger of choking on their pizza from laughing and all. Somehow they managed to cram the mattress in (I wonder if all the pressure destroyed the posturepedic power) and tie the boxspring to the roof. I'm usually not impressed with most military men I meet, but damned if they don't teach you to tie a mean knot in the armed forces.

So we set off on our way, twine spiderwebbing the car, driving 30 mph and sans hazard lights. But come on, what doesn't scream "hazard" like a 17-foot truck emblazoned with animal print, bogged down by half a skein of twine plus boxspring and barreling down the road with a tiny girl who can wear a size 2.2 bangle behind the wheel?

After half-dragging, lifting, pushing and Pivot!ing a queen size mattress out of an alleyway, through a courtyard and up a flight of stairs, I was ready to concede. When it comes to physical tasks, I am most definitely a member of the weaker team.

And no, boys are not better than girls at everything. But let's face it, when was my perfect blanket stitch going to come into play during this whole moving debacle? Could I scrapbook a frictionless ramp up to the door with my special edge scissors?

I'm getting too old to play the "I can do anything" game. I know what I'm good at and what I fail miserably at. Now if you'll just do all that back-breaking labor, I'll go into the kitchen and make you a pie.

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