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Wednesday, July 07, 2004 · posted at 8:16 PM

Gobstopper

Going to the movies always brings certain questions to mind. What is the markup for a box of Sour Patch Kids? How come people can’t chew with their mouths closed? Why don’t they put more space between rows? Is anyone able to successfully use the reclining function of the seats? Who is the bastard who decided to show commercials prior to the trailers? Why does this movie suck so bad? And perhaps the most frequent of them all...

Why do people bring babies to the movies?

I firmly believe there are some places that babies just shouldn’t be allowed:

1. Balconies, specifically dangling over the railing of one
2. On the floor of my office, diaper-less
3. In any movie theater playing a film rated PG or beyond

I can understand that you might not trust a babysitter with your baby, you can’t find a babysitter willing to take your baby for the night (this is a red warning flag that this baby does not belong in a movie theater), or it’s been months since you’ve had any semblance of a normal Friday night, but really… stop thinking of yourself! You’re a parent damnit… and there is no “I” in parent

You know the audience is going to give you dirty looks no matter how cute your kid is. You know your kid is going to start crying during the good scenes. You know you’re going to miss the good scenes because you’ll have to bring your crying baby out of the theater because stray popcorn starts flying your way.

And that Marine whose head your baby is playing patty cake on? He might turn around and go postal on you or your young’un. You’re really playing a variation of Russian roulette.

Some might argue that movies can be visually and auditorily stimulating experiences for a young child. However, there is such a thing as overstimulation. There’s a reason that Dragon Tales, Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer aren’t presented in super Dolby Surround, THX “The audience is now listening” sound or with extreme cuts and edits. “Fruit Salad” isn’t slow-paced for Greg, Murray, Jeff or Anthony’s benefit.

And do you really want to stimulate your baby by subjecting them to a PG13-rated movie, especially one which features a scene involving projectile shards of glass? That kind of stuff sticks with a kid.

When Snow White was released on DVD a few years ago, my mom bought it as a memento. “I took you to see Snow White when you were just a baby.” She really didn’t need to tell me that - I had nightmares about the Evil Queen for the majority of my formative years. To this day I still can’t watch Snow White without a Pavlovian fear response.

Parents – don’t do it.

Save yourself the time of bundling up your baby and packing the 15-pound diaper bag containing disposables, wipes, toys, foods, changes of clothes, extra shoes and "your angry eyes just in case". Save yourself the frustration caused by the 10 minute stroller folding and babyseat strap-in. Save yourself the Andrew Jackson for a movie you’d only see 40% of anyway.

Save the audience the aggravation of not hearing what’s going on because of a piercing scream. Save the audience the distraction of infantile babbling, no matter how endearing. Save the audience the snack foods that would otherwise end up assaulting you.

But most importantly, save your baby’s precious innocence so she doesn’t end up a scarred, 23 year-old terrified of movie villains from days of yore.

Cost? Priceless.

The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children?



	Wednesday, July 07, 2004 · posted at 8:16 PM Gobstopper Going to the movies always brings certain questions to mind. What is the markup for a box of Sour Patch Kids? How come people can’t chew with their mouths closed? Why don’t they put more space between rows? Is anyone able to successfully use the reclining function of the seats? Who is the bastard who decided to show commercials prior to the trailers? Why does this movie suck so bad? And perhaps the most frequent of them all... Why do people bring babies to the movies? I firmly believe there are some places that babies just shouldn’t be allowed: 1. Balconies, specifically dangling over the railing of one 2. On the floor of my office, diaper-less 3. In any movie theater playing a film rated PG or beyond I can understand that you might not trust a babysitter with your baby, you can’t find a babysitter willing to take your baby for the night (this is a red warning flag that this baby does not belong in a movie theater), or it’s been months since you’ve had any semblance of a normal Friday night, but really… stop thinking of yourself! You’re a parent damnit… and there is no “I” in parent You know the audience is going to give you dirty looks no matter how cute your kid is. You know your kid is going to start crying during the good scenes. You know you’re going to miss the good scenes because you’ll have to bring your crying baby out of the theater because stray popcorn starts flying your way. And that Marine whose head your baby is playing patty cake on? He might turn around and go postal on you or your young’un. You’re really playing a variation of Russian roulette. Some might argue that movies can be visually and auditorily stimulating experiences for a young child. However, there is such a thing as overstimulation. There’s a reason that Dragon Tales, Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer aren’t presented in super Dolby Surround, THX “The audience is now listening” sound or with extreme cuts and edits. “Fruit Salad” isn’t slow-paced for Greg, Murray, Jeff or Anthony’s benefit. And do you really want to stimulate your baby by subjecting them to a PG13-rated movie, especially one which features a scene involving projectile shards of glass? That kind of stuff sticks with a kid. When Snow White was released on DVD a few years ago, my mom bought it as a memento. “I took you to see Snow White when you were just a baby.” She really didn’t need to tell me that - I had nightmares about the Evil Queen for the majority of my formative years. To this day I still can’t watch Snow White without a Pavlovian fear response. Parents – don’t do it. Save yourself the time of bundling up your baby and packing the 15-pound diaper bag containing disposables, wipes, toys, foods, changes of clothes, extra shoes and "your angry eyes just in case". Save yourself the frustration caused by the 10 minute stroller folding and babyseat strap-in. Save yourself the Andrew Jackson for a movie you’d only see 40% of anyway. Save the audience the aggravation of not hearing what’s going on because of a piercing scream. Save the audience the distraction of infantile babbling, no matter how endearing. Save the audience the snack foods that would otherwise end up assaulting you. But most importantly, save your baby’s precious innocence so she doesn’t end up a scarred, 23 year-old terrified of movie villains from days of yore. Cost? Priceless. The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children?	Recent Posts Jedi Mind Tricks Spider-Man 2 broke opening day r... The problem with lies is that you build them up an... Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Kurt Cobain I jus... Dear CHRISTINA, Thank you for participating in th... JERRY: So you feel "women and children first," in ... ASAP, the other 4-letter word. Butterfly in the sky. Today was the San Diego Ope... New to a Westfield Shoppingtown near you... I ju... no alarms, no surprises I’m up for my one year re... I have to go now I was reminded yesterday why it ... Morning news babie goose ryan bluemouse daves son dawntaught desiree diorama emily escadawg galveric high entropy invisible cube jepgato kyellow lilly mhuang mogbert nudream starfish + coffee verbivore Archives March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 January 2007 March 2007 April 2007 November 2008

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