Wednesday, July 07, 2004 · posted at 8:16 PM
Gobstopper

Going to the movies always brings certain questions to mind. What is the markup for a box of Sour Patch Kids? How come people can’t chew with their mouths closed? Why don’t they put more space between rows? Is anyone able to successfully use the reclining function of the seats? Who is the bastard who decided to show commercials prior to the trailers? Why does this movie suck so bad? And perhaps the most frequent of them all...

Why do people bring babies to the movies?

I firmly believe there are some places that babies just shouldn’t be allowed:
1. Balconies, specifically dangling over the railing of one
2. On the floor of my office, diaper-less
3. In any movie theater playing a film rated PG or beyond
I can understand that you might not trust a babysitter with your baby, you can’t find a babysitter willing to take your baby for the night (this is a red warning flag that this baby does not belong in a movie theater), or it’s been months since you’ve had any semblance of a normal Friday night, but really… stop thinking of yourself! You’re a parent damnit… and there is no “I” in parent

You know the audience is going to give you dirty looks no matter how cute your kid is. You know your kid is going to start crying during the good scenes. You know you’re going to miss the good scenes because you’ll have to bring your crying baby out of the theater because stray popcorn starts flying your way.

And that Marine whose head your baby is playing patty cake on? He might turn around and go postal on you or your young’un. You’re really playing a variation of Russian roulette.

Some might argue that movies can be visually and auditorily stimulating experiences for a young child. However, there is such a thing as overstimulation. There’s a reason that Dragon Tales, Blue’s Clues and Dora the Explorer aren’t presented in super Dolby Surround, THX “The audience is now listening” sound or with extreme cuts and edits. “Fruit Salad” isn’t slow-paced for Greg, Murray, Jeff or Anthony’s benefit.

And do you really want to stimulate your baby by subjecting them to a PG13-rated movie, especially one which features a scene involving projectile shards of glass? That kind of stuff sticks with a kid.

When Snow White was released on DVD a few years ago, my mom bought it as a memento. “I took you to see Snow White when you were just a baby.” She really didn’t need to tell me that - I had nightmares about the Evil Queen for the majority of my formative years. To this day I still can’t watch Snow White without a Pavlovian fear response.

Parents – don’t do it.

Save yourself the time of bundling up your baby and packing the 15-pound diaper bag containing disposables, wipes, toys, foods, changes of clothes, extra shoes and "your angry eyes just in case". Save yourself the frustration caused by the 10 minute stroller folding and babyseat strap-in. Save yourself the Andrew Jackson for a movie you’d only see 40% of anyway.

Save the audience the aggravation of not hearing what’s going on because of a piercing scream. Save the audience the distraction of infantile babbling, no matter how endearing. Save the audience the snack foods that would otherwise end up assaulting you.

But most importantly, save your baby’s precious innocence so she doesn’t end up a scarred, 23 year-old terrified of movie villains from days of yore.

Cost? Priceless.

The children! Won’t somebody please think of the children?

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