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Thursday, July 29, 2004 · posted at 4:56 AM

Not your Orwellian drama. The lemonade is squeezed, the sunblock has been slathered, and the pools are chlorinated. All signs are go that it is, indeed, summer. So what does that mean? Playing hooky from work? Indulging in those oh so guilty pleasures? Lots of fun in the sun? Yes and no, because my summer guilty pleasure involves sitting myself on the couch every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to watch the latest installment of Big Brother 5.

Every summer (save the first one) I get lured into the "reality" drama in which 13 houseguests are confined to the Big Brother house (read: an elaborate set on CBS’ backlot) and evict, by majority vote, one houseguest each week until there is one $500,000 winner.

Chuck Klosterman be damned, this is an addictive show even without a soundtrack and with inane competitions that require a cowboy getting dressed up as a lime and sliding into a huge margarita.

Who can forget Marcellas' gnome Boo? Or the twist in last season's X-factor (the exes of 5 of the houseguests move in)? And of course, the Evil Doctor's final speech blasting his houseguests:

When we came in this house that first night, it was all smiles. Everyone held up a glass, we put some champagne in it and we had a toast for the establishment of friendship on firmer and more lasting basis. Did you all do that? Look around the room. You all need to learn to love each other and we all need to learn to get along better.

And he still won. As deceptive and manipulative as he was, Will was the most honest and upfront about his character, or lack thereof, upon entrance to the house - and we loved him for it, him and his infamous board shorts.

This year's "lure"? The recent college graduate from Ohio, Drew. Drew can make a Hanes sweatshirt look good. Hell, he can even get away with mandals - and if that's not an amazing feat, I don't know what is! Fellow houseguest Diane said if confronted between picking between $500 thousand and Drew, she chose the latter. $500 thousand! Drew - you're worth more than Kevin Federline!

And as with all shows, every cute, endearing corn-fed Midwestern has an obnoxious (usually Californian) foil. Big Brother 5 has three of these: Tweedledee (Jase), Tweedledumber (Scott), and Tweedleblonde (Holly).

After Drew's nomination ceremony, Scott called Drew stupid. Excuse me? Scott - you spelled CHEESE wrong (C-H-E-E-S-S-E)! You tried to win "steak" in the food competition after "beef" had already been picked. And you hit on your best bud's cuddle buddy in the presence of one of your alliance members AND within earshot of your best bud. You didn't know the meaning of the word "confide" AND you wear a tube top headband! You sir, are hardly in the position to call anyone stupid.

And Holly? With a voice like Brittany, speech punctuated by "like" and "I don't know," and the bimbo trademark of hair twirling, Holly simply CANNOT be for real. I keep expecting her to go into the diary room and speak at a reasonable decibel and laugh because she sure pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. It must take a remarkable amount of effort to remain that clueless. "I'm not, like, some kind of mastermind," Holly pleads to Drew. Indeed, you may know more than we realized!

Jase, Scott and Holly sit around and talk about how being good-looking is a curse. Each whines about how no one takes them seriously, no one listens, all the while, not listening to each other. Sample dialogue:

Jase: No one listens to me...
Holly: It's like, just because I'm good-looking, what I say isn't important...
Jase: And I can't stand that no one listens to me just because I'm hot...
Holly: But really, I'm a person with feelings, and thoughts, so you should respect me too...
Scott: My body is a temple so I don't eat any pork products. I only eat bacon, ham, rump roast and ribs.

So no, in their cases, being good looking (and even this is debatable) doesn't make them cursed, just incredibly self-centered.

But really, the biggest question isn't "Is Drew's twin identical and equally hot?" or "How much peanut butter and jelly can one person stand?" It's "Why the hell do I watch?" There are enough people in my real life who I can't avoid and irritate me to no ends... why do I willingly bring these annoying characters into my sanctuary, my house, my couch, via the terebi?

Perhaps the BB5 Three Dumb Clucks aren't the only D-U-M ones.



	Thursday, July 29, 2004 · posted at 4:56 AM Not your Orwellian drama. The lemonade is squeezed, the sunblock has been slathered, and the pools are chlorinated. All signs are go that it is, indeed, summer. So what does that mean? Playing hooky from work? Indulging in those oh so guilty pleasures? Lots of fun in the sun? Yes and no, because my summer guilty pleasure involves sitting myself on the couch every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to watch the latest installment of Big Brother 5. Every summer (save the first one) I get lured into the "reality" drama in which 13 houseguests are confined to the Big Brother house (read: an elaborate set on CBS’ backlot) and evict, by majority vote, one houseguest each week until there is one $500,000 winner. Chuck Klosterman be damned, this is an addictive show even without a soundtrack and with inane competitions that require a cowboy getting dressed up as a lime and sliding into a huge margarita. Who can forget Marcellas' gnome Boo? Or the twist in last season's X-factor (the exes of 5 of the houseguests move in)? And of course, the Evil Doctor's final speech blasting his houseguests: When we came in this house that first night, it was all smiles. Everyone held up a glass, we put some champagne in it and we had a toast for the establishment of friendship on firmer and more lasting basis. Did you all do that? Look around the room. You all need to learn to love each other and we all need to learn to get along better. And he still won. As deceptive and manipulative as he was, Will was the most honest and upfront about his character, or lack thereof, upon entrance to the house - and we loved him for it, him and his infamous board shorts. This year's "lure"? The recent college graduate from Ohio, Drew. Drew can make a Hanes sweatshirt look good. Hell, he can even get away with mandals - and if that's not an amazing feat, I don't know what is! Fellow houseguest Diane said if confronted between picking between $500 thousand and Drew, she chose the latter. $500 thousand! Drew - you're worth more than Kevin Federline! And as with all shows, every cute, endearing corn-fed Midwestern has an obnoxious (usually Californian) foil. Big Brother 5 has three of these: Tweedledee (Jase), Tweedledumber (Scott), and Tweedleblonde (Holly). After Drew's nomination ceremony, Scott called Drew stupid. Excuse me? Scott - you spelled CHEESE wrong (C-H-E-E-S-S-E)! You tried to win "steak" in the food competition after "beef" had already been picked. And you hit on your best bud's cuddle buddy in the presence of one of your alliance members AND within earshot of your best bud. You didn't know the meaning of the word "confide" AND you wear a tube top headband! You sir, are hardly in the position to call anyone stupid. And Holly? With a voice like Brittany, speech punctuated by "like" and "I don't know," and the bimbo trademark of hair twirling, Holly simply CANNOT be for real. I keep expecting her to go into the diary room and speak at a reasonable decibel and laugh because she sure pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. It must take a remarkable amount of effort to remain that clueless. "I'm not, like, some kind of mastermind," Holly pleads to Drew. Indeed, you may know more than we realized! Jase, Scott and Holly sit around and talk about how being good-looking is a curse. Each whines about how no one takes them seriously, no one listens, all the while, not listening to each other. Sample dialogue: Jase: No one listens to me... Holly: It's like, just because I'm good-looking, what I say isn't important... Jase: And I can't stand that no one listens to me just because I'm hot... Holly: But really, I'm a person with feelings, and thoughts, so you should respect me too... Scott: My body is a temple so I don't eat any pork products. I only eat bacon, ham, rump roast and ribs. So no, in their cases, being good looking (and even this is debatable) doesn't make them cursed, just incredibly self-centered. But really, the biggest question isn't "Is Drew's twin identical and equally hot?" or "How much peanut butter and jelly can one person stand?" It's "Why the hell do I watch?" There are enough people in my real life who I can't avoid and irritate me to no ends... why do I willingly bring these annoying characters into my sanctuary, my house, my couch, via the terebi? Perhaps the BB5 Three Dumb Clucks aren't the only D-U-M ones.	Recent Posts Action up! Making a movie is really just a lot of... Surely you jest. It's odd for me to think of paren... The one with the boobies. Galvez has a theory that... Author's note: Some programs are required to have ... Blind leading the blind. What do you do when instr... Dress your family in corduroy and denim. Guys ofte... 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